Discipline Riley...

I've been reading up on discipline issues on children, and I think Riley really needs to be taught or at least start to know what is a Go, and what is a big No No!

An article gave a list of example why children misbehave....

•Curiosity. Kids this age are naturally curious about the world around them ("Hmmm…what will happen if I dump all the books off the shelf?" Or "I wonder how my sister's goldfish would like a dip in the toilet bowl?"). An adult might interpret these actions as naughty, but your toddler (in her mind, at least) is conducting a science experiment — not looking for a way to annoy you (or her older sister).

•Miscommunication. Misdeeds often happen because communication is so very tough for toddlers. It's much easier for your two-year-old to kick over a flowerpot than to say, "I'm cranky because my nap was too short" or hurl a toy at her pal instead of saying, "I don't want my playdate to end."

•Immaturity. Until they reach kindergarten, kids pretty much stink at controlling their impulses and grasping the concepts of right and wrong. Because they are constantly running up against a wall of limitations (whether it's being unable to button a shirt or say what they mean) frustration often rears its ugly head — in tantrum form. And toddlers have little (okay, no) experience checking their emotions, so when they're released, they're anything but controlled.

•Desire for independence. Right now, your toddler is determined to test her wings and try things on her own (cutting her food, tying her shoes, washing her hands). And that can lead to resistance ("No, Mom! Let me do it!") and ultimately frustration. A tantrum is often her way of saying, "I want to do this myself!" or "I'm angry!" — when her desires exceed her abilities.

Oh Riley is often angry alright! His has gotten a big attitude lately!!

And then comes the suggestions:

DO:

* Pick your battles. If you take on your toddler every time he slams a door or wipes his nose on his sleeve, you'll be clashing all day. Safety limits (no running into the street, no touching a hot stove, for instance) are, of course, imperative, but the rest of the rules depend on your priorities (and how much energy you've got). Maybe "no shouting in the house" is paramount, but you can live with allowing shoes on the sofa. And maybe being courteous and saying "Please" and "Thank you" are primary expectations. Set rules you feel strongly enough about to enforce fully, but keep them to a reasonable number.

* Be direct (and consider distraction). If your first "no" is ineffective, gently but firmly pick up your toddler and — face-to-face, with a voice and body language that says "I mean business" — repeat your instructions: "Don't touch the electrical outlet. It's dangerous." Then turn to distraction: Move your child into another room (and on to another activity). Redirection works well at this age when tots have little control over their impulses and might not grasp why you're saying "no."

* Be consistent. If hand washing before dinner was compulsory yesterday but overlooked today, the only lesson learned is that rules are confusing or meaningless. So make sure you stick to the rules you establish, or you'll lose credibility. When you do make an exception, explain why ("Your cousins are visiting so — just for tonight — you can stay up an extra hour to hang out with them").

* Be patient. Toddlers have limited memories so don't be surprised if they repeat a misdeed over and over and over…("I know Mommy said not to play with her cell phone…but she's upstairs…and I love pushing all these neat buttons…"). Be prepared to repeat the same message, whether it's "Please don't touch the computer" or "No eating the dog food" over and over every day for weeks —even months — before it sticks. If you choose to use time-outs, you may have to use them often until your little darling finally gets the message.

* Stick to your guns. While it's tempting to give in to an adorable tot who flashes an impish grin in response to your "no!" — don't waiver (or giggle). Let him know that you're serious and there will be consequences if his behavior doesn't change. And no empty threats, Mom. If you say you'll take away his truck if he whacks his cousin with it one more time, you've got to follow through so he knows you mean business next time.

But DON'T:

*Be the family dictator. Toddlers (and everyone else) feel better when they get to call some of the shots. Give your tot a sense of control over his world by providing a few acceptable choices — a graham cracker or an apple, the swing or the slide, the T-shirt with the elephant or the one with the spaceship. Remember, giving your tot a sense of control over his world minimizes the cause of many, many meltdowns.

* Criticize your tot. Telling your little one that he is "bad" can damage his young ego (and bruise his self-confidence), so criticize the action — not the child: "Hitting is bad" not "You're bad" or "I don't like what you're doing" never "I don't like you."

* Overuse "no." Say the word too many times and "no" will soon lose its effectiveness. Save it for situations that threaten the well-being of your toddler, another person, or your home. And with each "no," try to offer a "yes" ("You can't pick the roses, but you can make a big dandelion bouquet for the kitchen table").

* Lose your cool. Uncontrolled anger clouds your thinking, teaches poor coping skills, and can be downright frightening. Take time to calm down when your child sets you off, then explain why what he did was wrong ("You threw Mommy's dish and broke it. Now I'm sad"). Remember, your long-term goal is to teach correct behavior — screaming or swatting does just the opposite. When you do lose your cool (hey, you're only human), apologize and tell your tot that even mommies make mistakes.

Overall:

• Turn negatives into positives. Your little darling has emptied the contents of your drawers onto the floor. Now what? Rather than scold, enlist her help in figuring out a way to remedy the situation ("How can we fix this? How about you help me put this stuff back?"). Praise her when she complies and don't forget to give her a firm, anger-free reminder that "Mommy's things need to stay in Mommy's desk.
• Check in. Even if you're busy (especially when you're busy) take time to reach over for a hug, a tickle, or to comment on the progress of her block tower. That way, you'll head off her impulse to get your attention by doing something devilish.
• Diffuse the situation. If your toddler is showing signs of defiance ("No! I won't take a bath!"), turn the situation around by using distraction ("Let's go find some fun bath toys!"), humor ("What if we put Mr. Teddy in the bath?"), or reverse psychology ("Don't you dare get into that tub!"). It doesn't take much to amuse a toddler. And diffusing a situation with creative approaches like these allows your child to give in without feeling like she lost a battle. Then you can thank her for her cooperation ("I love how you play in the water!").

Steps to Positive Discipline:

STEP 1: Warn wisely. Choose a consequence that fits the crime ("If you throw any more sand, we're leaving the beach"), and be prepared to act on it. (In other words, if you're not ready to pack up and go, consider instead making the consequence withholding his sand toys or revoking swimming privileges for a while.)

STEP 2: Reprise. If your warning goes unheeded, briefly state why you're disciplining him ("I'm taking this toy away because you threw it at your brother") to help make the connection between your tot's behavior and the consequence. Keep it simple or the message will be lost.

STEP 3: Act quickly. Toddlers have short memories, so depriving your toddler of chocolate pudding after dinner because of a waffle-tossing incident at breakfast pretty much ensures that he won't link the misdeed with its consequence. So make sure you discipline right after the infraction — not three hours later.

STEP 4: Request a replay. After enacting a consequence, briefly review the events that led to it. "I took away the ball because you were throwing it against the glass coffee table." Once your toddler is verbal, you can enlist him in the replay by asking him: "Why did I take away the ball?" Allowing him to answer will help him internalize what he did wrong. In most cases, though, until your toddler is closer to age three you'll have to answer the question yourself.

STEP 5: Forgive and forget. Postdiscipline, life should return to normal. There should be no lingering resentment (no stern looks or silent treatment, for instance) or lengthy lectures on your part, nor should you go overboard with affection or apologies since that'll only send the message that you regret having disciplined him.

Keep in mind...

•Loosen up. If safety isn't an issue, let your child experience the natural consequences of her choices. If she demands to wear winter boots in July, don't sweat it (though she'll probably be sweating). Allow this fashion faux pas so she can learn (without a lecture from you) that sandals make more sense on sultry days. (But stash a pair in the diaper bag in case good sense and hot feet triumph over stubbornness.)

•Punish with purpose. When your child intentionally misbehaves (shoving pennies in the DVD player, for instance), make the consequence fit the crime: No more DVDs (or pennies!) this week. If she takes a swipe at a kid in the sandbox? She sits out the next round of shoveling. Dumps dinner on the floor? Hand her the broom. (She might not do the best clean-up job, but she'll get the message — and you can do a rewipe later.) The point is this: Avoid unrelated consequences (say, withdrawing TV privileges when she throws a toy) because they'll only confuse her (and won't dissuade her from committing the crime again).

•Be fair, stay firm. Her tears may pull at your heartstrings, but don't make reparations (like another cookie to make up for the one she fed the dog, a new copy of the book she ripped up, etc.) unless her actions were an accident. If you feel like you're about to cave, remind yourself that her suffering is short-lived, but the lesson she learns will last a lifetime.

•Gauge your child's temperament. If your tot is especially sensitive, he may feel very rejected when banished from your side, perhaps fearing you don't like him anymore. If that's the case, skip time-outs, which are designed to teach limits and self-calming skills, not to inflict emotional pain.




•Pick the right spot. Time-outs should be served in a dull, safe place, away from things of interest (toys, TV, books) and fragile or potentially dangerous items (breakables or tables with sharp corners, which may be trouble if a tantrum ensues). Keep the culprit in sight (no closets or darkened rooms!) but away from the fun of interaction with you (or anyone else). A young toddler can be plopped in a playpen reserved only for time-outs, but if he can climb out, opt instead for an out-of-the-way chair or the bottom stair. One definite no-no: Don't use his room (and especially not his crib) as a penalty box — those places should be associated only with positive experiences.


•Be an escort. Guide your child to his time-out spot, and (calmly) tell him to sit. Don't scold (lengthy lectures are lost on toddlers, particularly in the heat of the moment) but do briefly state why he's there ("Hitting hurts people"). That'll help him understand that he's losing the privilege of your attention because of his behavior — not because you love him any less.


•Follow through. If your child refuses to stay seated (and he probably will), firmly return him to his time-out spot as many times as necessary, keeping a hand on his shoulder (but not otherwise interacting). If, once the time-out has ended, he immediately commits the crime again, repeat the time-out. (Gee, kids can be stubborn!)


•Time time-outs right. Withdrawing your attention for as little as five seconds may be all it takes to let your toddler know you're not happy with his conduct, but 30 seconds to a minute is a more likely time frame for time-outs. (Time passes very slowly at this age, especially if you're confined to the naughty chair.) You might try using a kitchen timer ("When the bell rings you can get up").


•Don't use time-out too much. Don't let them become your only form of discipline. Dole them out only for actions you've previously warned your toddler are unacceptable; don't use them for first-time offenses.


A few more things to think about:




•Is a warning smack okay? Some experts (and parents) believe that a smack on the hand or the bottom may be warranted in a dangerous situation to get an important message quickly across to a child too young to understand words — for example, when a tot wanders into the street or continues to approach a hot stove following a stern warning. That's okay, as long as your intention is not to inflict pain but to quickly call a child's attention to the seriousness of the situation. Such a slap should be followed by an explanation: "If you run into the street, a car could hurt you." Once a child shows that she understands what you say, however, physical force is no longer justifiable.


•When does spanking cross the line? Most parents who hit or spank inflict physical punishment either out of anger or because they believe they are doing it for the child's benefit (and that's usually how they were disciplined). But anything more than a swat on the (diaper-padded) bottom or back of the hand can injure a child, especially a young one. (Like spanking, shaking can cause serious internal damage to an infant or toddler.) If you ever feel the urge to strike your toddler, get help immediately. Talk to your spouse, a friend, or a therapist, or call your local child-abuse hotline.


•How do you protect your tot from others? Even if you'd never dream of spanking or slapping a child, don't assume your child's caregivers all feel the same. Sitters, relatives, teachers, and other caregivers should be instructed never to administer any form of physical punishment. If you ever suspect your child has been hit, act immediately to remedy the situation.